call

inspired
to burn
to move into nothingness
the smoke makes patterns
blows softly
silently
while cowboys with guns and noise make noise
while hunger calls
takes an effort to answer
time has not dulled
moments call
suddenly something reminds
and it begins all over again
put on a sham
a show
of carelessness
a show of false bravado
silly small talk
unsaid words so loud
drowning meaningless words
screaming out between the lines
all within me
u cant hear
i don’t say
but want you to hear
(do I hear what you don’t say?)
i don’t know

i tell I don’t care
but here I am
i am not fooling
i am living it
does living feel numb
or is numb, living
don’t care
walk away
slide away
dream different
words
like a low on art, script
like a song making sense only to me

“…waiting for the summer rain ……..

probably probability

I have wondered since as far as I can remember. Why is it that some people are happy with what comes their way…some are happy till before they get it …some are never happy.
Is it our blood which defines it? Our environment? Or what? What ever it is, it is damn frustrating. Well, the world would be a boring place and not happening at all if every1 was alike. But why is orange an orange and not an apple? No, that’s an easy 1. If an orange would be an apple and we would know the orange as an apple I would still ask- why is an apple an apple and not an orange. Perhaps people like me love pondering and questioning for the sake of it. Perhaps.
Well, on gloomy days, it is not the orange and apple that has bothered me…but people..rather my friends, my cousins whom I have shared a lot with. Given the same environment…our chosen paths take us so afar. At times completely divergent ways…so far that there is nothing left to talk about.
I think the “happiness with one’s choice” lies with the acceptance factor. But on those gloomy and lonely evenings- I very pathetically wonder as to what will bring me happiness. I am so surprised at myself. What happened which slowly by slowly changed me? I distinctly remember thinking about a friend of mine- “she does not know how to enjoy” she does not know how to be happy”. That was 10 years back. Today, 10 years hence, that question or rather statement, befits me. How many off the road by-lanes did I take to move so far away.

When did those golden rays turn grey?