Monday, May 14, 2007

Her husband for social completeness

My chai-wali Patkar maushi called me a ‘kutti’ today. Lovingly ofcourse since she is very fond of me and favours me with untimely coffees and surprise hugs.

Sometime back she was frantically arranging for 5000 bucks since she feared her husband would drink away what she called her home of 20 years. Transfer it in her name, she did.

“So, now u have it in your name. Throw him out! “
‘Aiiga! Kya bolhi tu? Heh heh!’
She chucked.

I said-
“aur nahi to kya. Find another mausa!"
to which she called me
kutti

[Aside: comment on ‘another mausa’, was a joke. There was another dimension about ‘done-with-the-men’ conversation].

“But why do you need him anymore? What has he given you? “

A man of 50 odd years who gets government money which he drinks away. Gets fed, drinks, gets a ready family to abuse, drinks, swears, drinks, sleeps in stupored glory, drinks, gets to stay in a ready-made clean house - two children and one grand-child who maybe love him only because he his their father, drinks. And drinks.

A man who thinks it is his due that he ‘be-served’. He is after all ‘the’ man of the house.

“Aise hi hota hai. Aadmi hai who mera!” She insisted perhaps the 100th time since we have had this kind of conversation many more times before.

Samaaj…Aurat ka zindagi….reet….

She again repeated those endless reasons as to why her husband is parmeshwar.
About social sanctions. About traditions.

We have this on-going game, where I tell her what she calls ‘outrageous things’. “Tradition is as per convenience. There was a time when sati was sanctioned”, I continued.

“I will do Sati, if required” declared my Patkar maushi.

So she would. For a man who she resents. Whose bed sores she tends to. Bed sores, brought about by a long bed rest while he recuperated from the physical fall since his drunken legs didn’t support him.

She will shed tears for him since he is her husband. And she will shed tears for herself, since she is a 'mere woman', as she calls herself.

A ‘mere women’ who single handedly raised two children, got one-married. Managing all in some 2000 or 2500/- that she earns. Money, which she often had to hide in secret places from the hands of ‘the man’ of the house. Those hands which would not hesitate to fall harshly on her and her two children.

She will continue to be the victim, all the while trying to be a survivor.

She needs the social sanction of a useless husband for keeping her house, ensuring baap ka saaya over her children.

To my mind, the only encouraging (wee bit) thing about such a mess is that, she once a while hits him back!

5 comments:

shuchika said...

well, i dont agree with you.

because life is not black, not white but a shade in between.

anyways...we have always argued on this one.

i liked the narration though, wish it wasnt lopsided.

darksunshine said...

i knowinly wrote from 1 perspective. thr ofcors is a whole socialisation process due to which one behaves the way one does wat u call grey shades. ofcors, i know it.
the funny thing is that, we see things from the shades of experience that we are wearing.
and such reactions make me realise it more intensely.
and we have not argued on this one. perhaps if u tk off ur experience-shade and view only this 'woman's' story and not 'any1' else's u will realise.
perhaps i will share my blog with others now. want to get other reactions as well.

Anonymous said...

we are talking about a society that has been historically patriarchal and a gender that has been historically submissive. Your maushi is one. i completely agree and most of the times like many of you, i do empathise with such women too..

and as you said 'she hits him back once in awhile'. That hit is extremely important for these people.. something that the great indian middle class cant savour and can never understand.., because a lot of things are being told there and a lot of resentment dies with that HIT.

i wouldnt dare take any sides here, but there is a slight problem with the narration. as of now, the reader that is me, knows about a guy who is in the wrong side of fifty and who is extremely abusive when drunk. I have a choice here, to assume it to be true and pass a judgement..

and then my mumbai memory would come back.. i have been personally present at such households... both the parties swear... the husband and the wife.. thats a part of their daily life and they cannot live without it..

now if our idea is to understand why a guy like this one, drinks and abuses his family, we need to know what is now a cliched phrase - the socio economic condition of this strata.. the question is very simple... Why cant this man or many men of his kind, love their families..? For many they are THE DEVILS... How did they become that? You backtrack this and would find that, all these abuses has its roots in a REJECTION.. their's is a community that is often rejected, from swanky cars, shopping malls, computer shops, a/c halls... these are men who wipe your wind screens, who clean your junkyard, who live and smell plastics and organic waste.. they are ANGRY but cant take the law in their hands because they are not POWERFUL... so they get drunk and when they come back home they see a human soul less powerful than them.. they beat them up..abuse them... not because they dont love them , but deep down their is a damaged ego that "i am not powerful" and that gets inflated when they see their wife and children.. you know what is the only solution to this..? educate their children so that 20 years down the line, we could atleast hope o bring the rate of such abuses down.. but even there, the middle class, the most insecure of indians interfere, because they think reservation at schools and colleges are equal to blasphemy... there is a connection everywhere DarkSunshine... you cant just judge an abuse from the periphery and say the guy is a devil and he ought to be hammered.. he has his reasons, and we must lend our ears to that too...

darksunshine said...

Wah! That was good. As I told Shuchi, as an on-looker we try and see all dimensions. As I also told her, there is a socialisation process due to which a person behaves and acts and reacts as he does. Whatever, you have stated (and nicely at that), I have never negated that. I believe it. Here in this article, without going into reasons and socialisation bla bla, I am stating things as they are with this lady.
Yes, there would be a story behind why the husband behaves the way he does. My work and experience and observation shows (thr is no new discovery in this) that everything dates back to socialisation and process of early childhood development (what u also mention as educating children in a maner that 20 years down the line they "behave").
When some sort of exploitation happens, one tries and understands all dimensions. However, understanding it does not negate the human rights perspective.

The perspective that as a presumption, once one attains adulthood, one has to be accountable for his/her actions. Whatever, the reason behind it be. Reasons are the cause. But Reasons do not mean that the action committed can be overlooked or go unpunished. Diminished perhaps.

As far as writing is concerned, I guess I have to master the art of hinting at all dimesions without going into explanations.

But it feels tedious to view things as another reader would see. Also to justify the facts as exists. But if one does not cover the bases, it is left open for justifications, I gues.

And I badly want to write about women portrayed as Shilpa Shetty in Metro......but this time I gues, I shall add on the so called reasons

Anonymous said...

Use solar water heaters as a fantastic alternative to warming normal water with electrical power. They use the sun's electricity to heat normal water for use at your residence or enterprise. The optimal spot for a solar powered water home heating system is really a south-experiencing roof top that is not shaded. Recent technological innovation let the system to merge along with your roof top in order not to detract out of your home. [url=http://www.x21w12w21.info]Heukuk8ily[/url]